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I must confess that I did not watch the Golden Anniversary edition of the Emmy Awards this past Sunday evening.
However, I did read the follow-ups in the Exponent and Telegram and saw the lists of winners. I can remember only a few of the winners and I'm unable to remember each of the categories of awards, but that doesn't really matter today.
What I'd like to present here are some suggested categories for the past year's TV programs. Please allow me a little leeway as I try to conjure up something a bit different.
In the interest of space, I'll eliminate the list of nominees for these unique awards and simply mention the names of the winners.
And the first award of the evening -- the Ad Nauseum Award -- goes to the program that came closest to boring viewers to death. The envelope, please! What's this? A tie? Yes, the network news programs all share the award for their ceaseless coverage of the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky spectacle.
Now for the next award -- the Overkill Award. That one goes to the network or station that devotes its commercial time to touting the last rerun of the series. Well, how about that -- another tie. This time, it's ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox for promoting the final show of a number of second-run series.
It's time for the next award. This one will be for the program that airs the most violent scenes during family viewing time. Say -- another tie. Each of the networks again get the nod for Best Programming Aimed at Potential Young Violators of the Law.
In fact, this year we're doing something a little different. We're combining the most violent "entertainment" program with the evening news for each network. Same winners!
Next up is the award for networks that interrupt Saturday morning kiddie cartoons to present the sobering, salacious details of Oval Office shenanigans.
It seems that nobody meets the "high" standards of this special award. But what's this? A special award goes to CNN for interrupting its news programming to present a cartoon. Tom and Jerry? No, Bill and Monica. There are a couple more envelopes to open.
This one's for Network Scheduling Blunder of the Year, and it goes to CBS for cancelling "Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman," one of the few truly family shows that had remained.
The next award, the 1997-98 Resourcefulness Award, goes to the premium movie channel that charges most for its service but repeats the same movies, over and over, for weeks at a time, yet premiering the fewest first-run films in a month's time.
Here come the winners. Yes, before the envelope is even opened, they know who they are.
We see representatives on the way up to our stage from HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Encore and the Movie Channel, to name a few. Maybe these were far-fetched ideas, but wouldn't it be something if they were adopted as reality?
Before closing, someone might ask, "Why didn't you use this column last week when the real Emmys were actually held?"
To which my response would be: "It was pre-empted."