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Things you'll never hear a redneck say

by Bob Stealey

EDITOR

A friend of mine from Lewisburg, with whom I chat via America Online, has sent me a list of different items that you'll likely never hear a redneck say. They are as follows:

- Duct tape won't fix that.

- We don't keep firearms in our house.

- You can't feed that to the dog.

- Well, I thought Graceland was tacky.

- No kids allowed in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe!

- Wrestling is just fake.

- We're vegetarians at our house.

- Honey, we don't need another dog around here.

- Who cares who won the Civil War?

- Spittin' is such a nasty habit!

- I just couldn't find a thing I wanted at the Wal-Mart today.

- Trim the fat off that-there steak.

- These tires on my truck are too big.

- Unsweetened tea tastes better.

- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

- Checkmate!

- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we ain't seen yet.

- You all. (More likely, y'all.)

- Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

I thought those were pretty clever and I'm glad I received them. But I have a few others of my own that I'd like to add. Here are some things I can almost guarantee you won't hear a redneck say:

- No Junior, we're not gonna watch the NASCAR race. Leave the educational TV station on, just where it's at.

- Paw, go out an' fix the flat tire on the house.

- Let's play the Beethoven tape on the stereo.

- "Chawin' terbacker" is harmful to your health.

- Zeb, go study your grammar lesson.

- I can't go 'til I clean the mud off the tires.

- (After son is born...) Dear, let's call him William Robert, not Billy Bob.

- If we gotta pick a cable TV station to give up, let's give up TNN.

-Creek.

- Right here (usually, "rat-cheer").

- Let's replace the eight-track with a CD player.

n n n

If the gasoline pump prices don't start going in a downward direction pretty soon, stations are going to have to set up installment loan booths on the islands next to the pumps.

- - -

Here's a groaner for you to start off the week that I received from Bobby Kramer:

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

And so, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Good one, Bobby, and thanks!

Another column Wednesday.

Exponent Telegram Editor Bob Stealey can be reached at 626-1438.

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