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I'd love to talk, really, but I'm having a bad hair day

by Jamie Logue

Assistant News Editor

You may have read a wire story recently about a study done by Yale University on the subject of bad hair days. One might think that with all of the important research being conducted at Yale, there wouldnt' be the time to waste on something so frivolous as bad hair. But Procter & Gamble funded the project, so the university managed to squeeze it in.

The researchers concluded that having a bad hair day can have a profound effect on a person's self-esteem. They were surprised to find out that men were more likely to feel dumber and incompetent when their hair was unmanageable. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention at this point that I was one of the people questioned in the study.

It turns out that Yale researchers fanned out all across the country and one of them ended up in Clarksburg. Here is a partial transcript of the interview:

"Mr. Logue, how do you feel about your fair today?"

"How do I feel? Just look at it. I ran out of hair gel this morning and now it's going every which way. I look like Larry Fine."

"Larry who?"

"You know ... The Three Stooges."

"Is that a music group?"

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"Forget it. Next question."

"How do you feel when your hair looks to bad?"

"Awful. Just awful. People make fun of me. They never look me in the eye. I have no motivation. I feel worthless. I can't program my VCR."

"How have you compensated for the bad hair?"

"Sometimes I wear a ball cap, although that's not always the solution. I wore one to church one day and felt like an even bigger nincompoop. One time I wore an Army helmet and told people I'd joined the National Guard. But then they started asking me why I was wearing a helmet with a Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt. I have no answer for them."

"Would the world be a better place, do you think, if fewer people had bad hair?"

"Certainly. I think it would lower the crime rate by 50 percent."

"How do you figure that?"

"I just plucked a number out of thin air. I thought that's what you people do."

"Do you associate with people who also have bad hair?"

"I sure do. You want names?"

"No ... I ..."

"I can get you names, addresses, Social Security numbers ..."

"No, that's OK. I just wanted to know if you sought out others with bad hair."

"Oh, sure."

"Do you commiserate with them?"

"Heck, no. We're just friends."

"Do you consider yourself to be a vain person?"

"No, I just want to look the very best I can."

"Well, you keep trying. I'm sure someday you'll get there."

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