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Coming soon to a TV near you

On Second Thought by James Logue

ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR

I subscribe to cable television. I would like to have one of those satellite dishes but we still live in our underground bunker that we built for Y2K and we paid for it, by gosh, so we're going to live there.

My local cable company recently announced that it was raising its monthly rates, prompting me to call them up and complain. But they said that with the increase comes a slew of additional channels. I was pleasantly surprised. Here is a list of some of the new channels we'll be seeing in the not-too-distant future:

The Weather Channel Two A review of last week's weather and expert analysis on how the rain ruined your weekend.

The Pig Latin Channel All your favorite old shows redubbed in Pig Latin. The primetime lineup includes "Annix-May," "Arnaby-Bay Ones-Jay," "Ittle-Lay Ouse-Hay on the Airie-Pray," and "The Effersons-Jay."

HBO 47 Featuring such great movies as "The Wild, Wild West" and "The Rage: Carrie II."

HBO 48 Featuring such great movies as "The Rage: Carrie II" and "The Wild, Wild West."

The Burt Reynolds Channel A collection of his best movies. The other 22 hours contain infomercials.

Oxygen The new cable channel for women.

Hydrogen The new cable channel for men.

H2O You know where this is going, don't you?

C-Span 3: Brian's Revenge

Black and White B-movie Classics Featuring such great old movies as "Abbott and Costello Meet Julius and Ethel Rosenberg," "The Bowery Boys Contract an Incurable Disease," and "Francis the Talking Mule is Sued for Slander."

The Ted Turner Channel Not much on this one. Ted just wanted another cable channel named after him.

Pat Buchanan's History Channel Documentaries on how misunderstood the Nazis were and discussion panels on Hitler's zest for life.

Roadkill The darker side of Animal Planet.

The Bored to Tears Science Channel

The Celebrity Autopsy Channel A spin-off from the E! Entertainment people. Every night, a new and different autopsy of your favorite dead celebrity.

The Weather History Channel Chronicles how the weather influenced great historical events, from D-Day to Trisha Nixon's wedding.

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